~feelings~

**Before you read this, I must give a disclaimer, as I can already smell the concern you might have after reading. I am human. Surprise!! Bet you didn’t know that, huh? There are a lot of things that go into being human and learning how to process and manage mental health plays a huge part. The goal of these entries is not to alarm or unsettle anyone. This is simply my effort of trying to better understand myself. The goal is to be as transparent, and open, and raw with myself, and whoever else might be reading along, as possible. I want to shed some light on topics and struggles that I wasn’t prepared to face in hopes that maybe I can reach or encourage ONE (1) singular person who might also find themselves in a similar situation. And who knows, maybe along the way I might become a better and happier person because of it. As you dive into my thoughts, I ask that you be openminded and gentle, as these are very personal and delicate experiences that I am still learning how to cope with. **

Today is hard.

I feel as though I am gasping for air in a completely open, oxygen filled space. Like I am screaming at the top of my lungs, but no sound is coming out. Today is hard.

As I sit in bed sorting and searching for the right words to express precisely how I’m feeling, I find myself confused and breathless.

I think back, filing through all of the crucial moments in my life wondering, "how did I get here?" When did I unknowingly train my brain to think “yeah, but you’re probably not good enough”, or “feeling full is wrong!!”, or “if I were just a little smarter, or funnier, or skinnier, or wasn’t so pale, then MAYBE, just maybe, I’d feel fulfilled”? Since when did I let things like Instagram likes or the number on the scale define me? Did I do this to myself? Or was it the intense and overwhelmingly aggressive and pressure filled, double standard society that I grew up in? Today is hard.

I take my glasses off my face for the 894th time to wipe away my traveling tears, yet again, only to find my under-eyes are raw and I still, in fact, do not have 20/20.

It’s days like today that I am reminded of how strong and capable I am. While I feel broken and unsteady, I am still here; still chuggin’ along. And it’s when I take a step back from all the madness and just

Breathe,

That’s when my vision clears, and I feel most grounded.

I don’t know how I got here, and honestly, it doesn’t matter because no amount of pain or struggle goes without purpose. However, I must acknowledge these barriers to climb over them.

Today is hard,

But today is also necessary.

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Me after re-reading this for the 420th time:

An open letter to my big sis on her 30th birthday:

Hey Meg,

It’s me, Maddie, in case you were confused in your old age ;).

Remember when we were little, and-

Wait, actually. Let me set the scene for you.

It’s the year 2000 something, seven maybe? Yeah, lets go with seven. (Who honestly cares or has any concept of time right now). You had just finished downloading ‘Lips of an Angel’ by Hinder on LimeWire, along with 15 other angry and angsty teenage songs that you plan to put on a CD uniquely titled ‘Meg’s Mix’.

Skip to dinner.

Dad made goulash, our favorite, or my favorite at least. We eat. Dad “yells” at you for cussing at the dinner table, which just translates to, “MegAaAan”, followed by the look. Super unusual, this never happens. You roll your eyes. I say something stupid and unhelpful. Mallory laughs. The next day I accidentally prank call the police. All is well.

End scene.

That was roughly 15 years ago, and honestly WHAT’S FREAKING NEW, aside from the prank call. That actually was an accident, or lapse in judgement, or whatever you want to call it (most definitely lapse in judgement, I did NOT know that phone was real), and it only happened (1) once. Sorry, Mom.

But things aren’t quite that simple anymore, sadly. Now, we all live hours away from each other and only get to recreate parallels of that memory on the holidays, one of which happens to be your birthday. The best Christmas present ever, right?

Growing up with you was… interesting. And kind of scary, but in a fun way. While you and Mal were testing the waters, I was eazy breezey, smooth sailing in your wake. Watching you sneak out, hang with friends, bleach your hair, drive with your seat laid back, listen to loud music, have 627 Mardi-Gra beads hanging on your rear-view mirror, ball out on the court, all the while thinking, “I can’t wait to do that when I’m in high school, I’m going to be just like Meg”. However, it was more of a ‘I want to be exactly like you, but I don’t want you to know’ kind of thing. Because while you were doing your thing, playing sports, reaching goals, facing struggles and heartbreak, I had a front row seat, baby. And I watched every move. For most of my life, I don’t think anyone knew me by my name. It was always, “Ohhhh, you’re Meg’s little sis”, which I was ok with because she was coooool. HA.

But now you’re THIRTY. Thirty, flirty, and purrrtty. Still one of a kind and always the life of the party. I’m so inspired by your strength, resilience, grit, and perseverance. Thanks for paving the way and showing me the ropes. Your light is SO BRIGHT, and I love watching you grow. You’re best brother anyone could ask for, and you’re just getting started.

Happy birthday, Meg. Keep shinin’. <3

With love,

Your favorite sister ;)

Part 7: Who's Cutting Onions??

Sitting middle row, middle seat, running on 5ish hours of sleep, knees cramping, eyes somewhat open, and LOVING LIFE.

What is it about planes that make my armpits itch?? Is that normal?? Probably not.

Why am I talking about my armpits.

Anyways,

As I sit here, uncomfortably, on yet another airplane as I have done so many countless times this semester, it doesn’t feel like I’m going home. It feels like I’m just going on another weekend adventure to explore a different part of the world, which I guess is true to an extent since I’m not flying directly home. However, reality will hit in approximately 5 hours and 31 minutes when I exit the Houston airport to find that I cannot tram back to my incredibly below average dorm twin bed. Sounds luxurious, doesn’t it?

Let’s hope I still remember how to drive!! That’s actually something I’ve really missed these last 4 months, but I already know once I get even a sliver of road rage, I’ll be wishing I was back in Prague riding the tram.

I’ve been thinking about this last blog post for a long time (I’ve been home for almost 2.5 weeks and have only gotten this far ha ha :,) ). But really, how do you put an experience like this into words? Everyone keeps asking me, “So, did you learn anything?”, and I don’t even know what to say other than, “Yes, that was the best four months of my life”. Because honestly, I’m still trying to process everything I’ve experienced, and I’m not sure that I even realize certain things living abroad has taught me. It kind of doesn’t feel real in a way, like did I really just travel around Europe for the last 4 months?? It sounds silly when I say it out loud, but I don’t know, it’s just a weird feeling being home. However, now that I’ve had some time to reflect and come to terms with being back in Kansas, I think I’m going to be… ok?

If traveling taught me anything, it’s that my new life motto is: I will freaking figure it out. Don’t know if you’re on the right tram? You’ll figure it out. Missed your bus back to Prague and now your homeless for 15+ hours? You’ll figure it out. Don’t know what your doing with your life and have a continuous growing pile of debt? Guess what!

YOU’LL FIGURE IT OUT.

My parents asked me how I knew we were on the right train to get to our brewery tour in Pilsen (1.5 hours from Prague), I was like, “Um honestly, I don’t, but it’s alright, we’ll figure it out”. While they gave me a very unsettled “why did we put you in charge” kind of look, it made me realize that there’s a weird sort of beauty in the unknown. And maybe I’m just young and naïve, but I find it kind of fun being lost or not knowing exactly how I’m going to get where I’m going. I mean, I’m not saying you should get on a random train and hope it’s going the right way. Obviously make some sort of preplanning efforts, but the universe has a funny way of guiding you exactly where you’re supposed to go. You never know what kind of adventure awaits, ya know?

Aside from the care free vibe I’ve caught on to, I’ve also learned that while traveling is full of jaw dropping views, late nights that turn into early mornings, and incredibly detailed architectural designs that you know nothing about but look really important, it all comes at a cost. Because while I’ve been on vacation time, everyone else in my life has been on US time, which is quite literally night and day. So, it was really difficult to stay in touch with everyone, which is an obstacle that never really occurred to me before moving abroad. I feel like the only time I got to talk to my parents before they visited was on their way to work at 7am their time, 2pm my time, and that was depending on if I had class or not. Part of me feels a sense of guilt and selfishness that maybe I didn’t give enough attention or put enough effort into the relationships I hold closest. However, it’s sometimes challenging for me to differentiate the amount of selfishness involved with both putting myself and/or my relationships first.

But, regardless

I have an immense amount of gratitude for every experience, friendship, emotion, obstacle, hangover, and so much more that this opportunity has bestowed me.

Actually, being away for so long made me realize a few things that I didn’t even know I missed. The first one being, probably the closest thing I had to reverse culture shock, I can actually understand what everyone around me is saying! After several double takes to make sure I was hearing correctly, sure enough, it was the beautiful sound of English.

So, if you catch me eavesdropping, mind your business.

Shortly after that, a random stranger smiled AND held the door open for me. I was like, “oh yeah, this is normal”. Crazy what living in a different country does to you.

Culture is weird.

To wrap up my attempt to describe this whirlwind of a semester, it’s safe to say that Prague left an everlasting impression on my heart and my liver, and I can’t wait for the day I reunite with all my tram 9 people (you know who you are) in my favorite city.

Na zdravi, Praha.

<3

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